Desi Lydic makes fun of Donald Trump attending the Supreme Court on a birthright citizenship case, as she assumes the President must have fallen asleep during the session. She also pokes fun at the judge’s opinion on a ruling that blocked Trump from building a ballroom at the White House and its 13 exclamation points, saying it sounds like one of her fun workplace emails. The piece ends with a fake commercial for a ballroom attorney, who only takes cases involving the right to build them. It’s a mix of enthusiastic examples of ballrooms, and expressing regret for picking such a small niche in the legal field.
2. Trump Sends Aquaman To Strait Of Hormuz – The Babylon Bee
According to the Babylon Bee, President Trump promises that the Strait of Hormuz will now be liberated as part of the war in Iran, as the United States is sending in Aquaman, a hero that Trump had previously said was completely useless several times before. Aquaman doesn’t care about the war, he’s just happy to feel wanted for once. At the end of the article, Iranian troops barely noticed an increase in the amount of fish in Hormuz.
3. Kristi Noem Defends Use Of Force On Own Face – The Onion
The Onion combines the rhetoric of outgoing DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s tough talk on crime and her alleged propensity for plastic surgery touch-ups, as she promises to wage war on crow’s feet and lips that aren’t full. Members of both parties think her facial care policies are an insult to aging gracefully and disruptive to both her marriage and that of Corey Lewandowski. The article appropriately ends with Noem bravely marching to Mexico for a mission codenamed “Operation BBL.”
4. Lee Greenwood To Settle Iran War Via Single Combat – The Humor Times
The confidence which the Trump administration has had in wrapping up the Iran war takes an odd turn, as the 83-year-old country singer of “God Bless The U.S.A.” offers to end the conflict in trial by combat. Greenwood sees himself as Trump’s version of King David, justifying the connection because he and David were both jesters in their time. His evidence of David’s jester-like nature is a bizarre story where David could have killed Saul, but chose not to. Greenwood’s distorted logic is made clearer when his chosen weapon for hand-to-hand combat is a flamethrower.
5. The Prince Andrew Plan Cold Open – SNL UK
In this bizarre SNL UK sketch, Prince Andrew was actually an intelligent, upstanding citizen, but was forced to take on the role of an idiotic Epstein supporter in 1997 to make Prince Charles look good in the wake of Princess Diana’s death. Their other plans include making William look less handsome as he ages, and to have Harry marry a controversial spouse. The highlight is Emma Siddi as Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson, whose awkward energy and silly walk has been helping the royal family look good since 1986.
