The Onion is negotiating a launch of their own comedic version of InfoWars, the brand that conservative podcaster Alex Jones lost in part due to massive financial losses from a lawsuit regarding his lying about the Sandy Hook school shooting massacre. Thanks to having comedian/new InfoWars head honcho Tim Heidecker make an embedded announcement video, the business article manages to be funny. He opens with a shockingly accurate Alex Jones impression, nailing that gravelly voice very well. He also punctuates the general positivity with wacky asides, like he definitely has a machine that turns urine to gold.
2. Ayatollah Agrees To End Iran War if JD Vance Wears Cute Sailor Outfit – The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee calls into question the masculine security of the Trump administration, as JD Vance is hesitant to achieve peace in Iran when all he has to do is wear a Broadway-style sailor outfit. As he puts it in the article, he was willing to wear his actual Marine uniform, but the cute white hat was too much. The Iranian government eventually doubles down on its demands, asking Vance to dance and sing a few bars from “Anchors Aweigh.”
3. Fired Attorney General Pam Bondi Being Sent To US Supreme Court – The Humor Times
The Humor Times creates a new impulsive decision for the President to make, as the Attorney General he just fired is being sent to the Supreme Court. It isn’t clear how Bondi will be put on the Supreme Court with zero vacancies, but anything is possible when the President has Seal Team 6 on his side. When asked what she said when she was informed she was fired as AG, Pam Bondi said her official words were “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”
4. D-List Celebs And Fringe Celebs Run For Office In Mid-Terms – The Daily Show
Ronny Chieng and The Daily Show comment on the large number of minor celebrities who are running for Congress in 2026, such as 2 Live Crew frontman and “Me So Horny” rapper Luke Campbell. TDS created a slogan for his campaign: “Me So Horny… To Take On The Establishment.” Chieng also talks about how “The Hills” star Spencer Pratt is running for Mayor of Los Angeles, even as his own sister and “Hills” co-star Stephanie Pratt says that a vote for Spencer is a vote for idiocy. They save their best example for last, as “Teen Mom” alum Farrah Abraham announced she was running for Austin, TX mayor in 2026, despite the fact that the election isn’t until 2028, a fact she learned live on a TMZ interview.
5. Instead of Losing Elections, Why Not Stop Having Them Altogether? – McSweeney’s
Citing the recent wave of congressional gerrymandering from other parties, the author suggests why not take the attempt at controlling elections one step further? If Congress doesn’t approve of your election results, then your territory takes a break from politics and can be a solely scenic destination for a while. And while some might call this disenfranchisement, the author calls it “political representation based on my mood, and what I’m looking for.” This model of electoral control eventually reaches an extreme, as wouldn’t it be easiest if one person made all of our political decisions all the time? An affluent white person, just as a random example. Very succinct and direct satire from McSweeney’s.
